viernes, 24 de julio de 2009

24th of July

No one gets it, and it is getting harder to carry all the weight by myself. It shouldn't be hard, because it was my choice. I shouldn't be complaining either, 'cuz again, it was my choice. I won't be making up excuses anymore. I just want things to be alright. Nothing seems to be working. Nothing seems to get to it's purpose. Everything is left in the middle. Undone. Nothing seems to fit. Nothing seems to be right. An enormous weight over my shoulder that only carries what? my life? Could be. But there's got to be something else that is affecting me this way. There is something that i'm not saying. I know i feel lonely, but i don't think that's it. God, i love words. How every single letter is perfect, and it's in it's right place. That's probably what's missing in my life, and that could be the reason why i admire that perfection. It's not like i want to be perfect, i just want it to fit, you know? To feel right. To find a path to follow. That sounded like i'm lost, ah? But i'm not. I know what i want. The problem is when you keep getting pieces and pieces of a puzzle that, lets say, contains your dreams. And you begin to put the pieces in their places, but every five minutes, you loose one piece. What should you do? Look for it? Ok. We'll look for it. But remember when you're looking for it, another five minutes would be over and you would have lost another one. Now what? You can keep doing it over and over again, but it will always be same thing. Maybe life it's like that. Maybe it does have rules for every specific path, and when you follow it, that kind of things happen to you. My point was that if that kind of shit keeps happening to you when you are making your puzzle, then maybe you should have chosen a different puzzle. However, aren't we supose to choose the way we want our life to be like? I know there are some fights and stuggles in the middle, but come on! does it have to be this way? I mean, i don't have anything really. This is the first time in my life i feel i don't even have friends anymore. I don't know who's supose to understand. I don't even know why. I just know that i need something. Support. Companionship. Trust. I feel left aside by life itself.

Really, please life, remember you have me here, trying to make a living out of what i know.

What are we really? I mean, are we fill with energy that we can transmit to people? I keep hearing that, but i never understood it though. If that's the case, then if i wish with all my energies (¿?) bad things to someone, then shitty things should happen to that person? That's pretty cool. Of course it never worked for me. But it did work the other way around ahah. How's that possible? I don't know. They say i should put up some candles and stuff. I have all the explaination and everything of what i should do. Maybe i was just born with bad luck, you know? And also, about that shit they say to think possitive, i mean, i ALWAYS think possitive, otherwise i wouldn't have taken all the risks that i've taken if i had been thinking that it would be all this screwed up, don't you think? But no, they say i'm negative 'cuz i say i have bad luck. But i say it after those shitty things happen to me for fucks sake! I don't say it before! Before i just try to give the best of me. And as usual, it ain't working.

Maybe some orange candles would fix my life (¿?). I don't know, but at this point, i have absolutly NOTHING to lose. No, wait. I still got some things to lose. Maybe that's the problem, you know? Maybe i'm in that last phase, and, of course, it's the hardest one 'cuz you're watching the last drops of what you've been busting your ass out to get, go away.

A little help please? Some understanding wouldn't hurt, you know? Am i saying 'you know' too much? Sorry, i'll be stoping now.

The funny thing is that i usually write when i'm at a certaing extreme, like i only write if i'm all emotionally happy, or if i'm really sad. I never write when i'm in the middle. At least i dont feel like writing. Well, that witch was right about one thing though, i do need to express my creative side (¿?) with something. He said he saw me working with a group of people in the future. That's good news right? I mean, i least i know i have a future.

Advices advices. They betray you when you least expect. Well, what am i saying? Everything ends up betraying you when you least expect. On the other hand, we have the good things. Those usually happen when you least expect them too, right? Ok good things, i'm not expecting you so... HAPPEN.